Excerpt from "The Lonely"

Looking out the window, to see a line of footsteps, footsteps belonging to…a little boy

There is the Lonely, There is the Lonely, Don’t Forget…The Lonely.

Now I definitely felt raindrops, and saw tiny splotches of water start to appear on the pavement, faster and faster. The street lights began to come on for the night, one by one. The glare reflected off the black ice concrete and their sheen stung in my eyes. The ice rink began to empty as people hurriedly unlaced their skates and headed home for Christmas Eve dinner’s and hugs, while I stood at the payphone with no place to go, and no one cared. Father didn’t care. I dropped the phone from my hand and let it hang off the hook, I didn’t care.

My hair started to drip wet, it was officially raining, but I didn’t care. “No one cares.” I picked a direction and began walking. I didn’t care where I went. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I came to the edge of the square and walked for eight more blocks trying to get lost without luck.

I didn’t know where else to go, so I turned left, and kept walking.

I came to the chain link fence that surrounded the chapel, and hopped it, catching my jacket on one of the wires as I landed. I tugged it loose and must have torn it, though I hardly noticed in the midst of the freezing rain. It was really starting to come down, and I began to feel as if the clouds were chucking rocks down at me—hail—I pulled my hood over my head and kept walking, all that did was get my hair even wetter.

St. Catherine’s towered above me as I stood before the steps; the stairway to Heaven seemed closed to me. The stained-glass angels seemed to be looking away from me, and the robed statues stuck their noses up at me as if I were unworthy. I looked up in the direction they were looking in to see if I could see what it was, yet I saw nothing but angry black clouds and falling ocean spray. Ice chips assaulted my face and eyes, so I lowered my head again. I lowered my head to the statues that would have none of me. Stone hearts.

I didn’t want to be here. All of the sudden I wanted to run away, this place felt defeating. I felt like a worthless nothing standing soaked in rain with mud caked on my jeans and a torn up down jacket. I wasn’t good enough for this place, here I stood at the steps with my heart in my hands, but I wanted to put it back in my pocket and walk away. If it weren’t for my frozen bones that seemed to be turning to ice, I probably would have too. But then I heard music inside…It was the song I’d heard earlier, another verse.

I follow the footsteps, and come to a stairway leading to…a mansion

There is The Lonely, there is The Lonely, don’t forget…The Lonely

I ascended the steps and went inside.

Once through the double doors, warm air engulfed me, giving me a hug. I was glad I’d come in, I felt like I’d find mercy here. I hadn’t exactly been a good catholic through out my life, but for some reason I knew they’d understand. I can’t explain why I felt welcome, maybe it was the red carpet which seemed laid out just for me, or the ambience of the candles burning by the wall, or maybe it was the statue of the lady holding the baby by the manger. Something told me I’d be loved if I came here, and I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I held it in though, even though no one would have noticed if I’d cried.

It looked as if Christmas Eve mass was going on. From the back of the church where I stood, I could see that the pews were fairly full save a couple in the back near me. That would do just fine. I quietly scooted my way into one of the back pews and slumped down onto the hard wood with a sigh. No one turned around or seemed to take any notice of me, they fixated themselves on the bald man in the flowing gown up front at the altar.

“Glory to God,” he said commandingly.

“And also in Heaven” mumbled the audience monotonously, as if they weren’t real. The priest began his lecture of which I did not pay attention. Too much was on my mind, and I was still cold and wet. I took my dripping jacket off and rolled it into a makeshift pillow on the pew, laid my head down, and stared up at the ornate ceiling. A rendition of the Michelangelo had been commissioned on the church ceiling, beautiful work, the artist was to be commended. Eventually I put my feet up on the pew as well and laid face up, staring at the angelic world above. The Ave Maria began to play on the organ and the choir sang a lullaby so sweet and soft that I was invited up into the fresco and drifted through space and time. My eyes finally closed and I forgot my wet clothes and dire situation, drifting off into some other world only God knows where.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder and opened my eyes. Two men, both in black with white collars stood over me, one leaning on the arm of the pew. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn’t still dozing, and then looked up at them in affirmation.

“Excuse me sir,” said the one directly above me in a low voice, “we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

Quickly I sat up, mortally confused. “Wha-why?” I stammered.

“We don’t want any trouble sir,” explained the other one in almost a whisper, “if you would kindly collect your things and—“

“What do you—!”

“—shhh!” they interrupted holding their hands out, “please mass is in session.” I continued in an energetic whisper.

“What do you mean collect my things? It’s a church! Why can’t I stay?”

“I’m sorry sir, but that is not allowed.”

“Not allowed!” I practically yelled. If we would not have been speaking in low voices, I would have been yelling. “What the hell I—“

“Perhaps you can go to the homeless shelter downtown.” They thought I was a bum, what with my torn jacket and muddy jeans I must have looked the part.

“But that’s 20 miles!” I protested, “It’s hailing out, what the hell!”

“Sir, please refrain from swearing in a house of God.”

By this time I was on the edge of the pew unable to contain my utter bewilderment. My mouth practically hit the floor in a classic what the fuck. Choking on syllables and stammering like a blundering fool, all I knew was that I was cold and couldn’t go back outside. The only words that came to my mind were,

“What the Hell!” Then more words spilled out like a whirlwind, “I mean seriously if this is a house of God aren’t you supposed to care? Aren’t you supposed to give a damn I mean I just want to rest for a little bit until it stops raining and then I’ll be on my way but I mean JESUS!”

“Sir,” the one nearest to me spoke with sharp authority this time. I wouldn’t have been so excited if I hadn’t been so wet and tired and about to get tossed back out into the rain by priests! People were starting to look up now in my direction with annoyed glances, as if telling me silently “you’ve got a lot of nerve disturbing mass.” One of the priests acknowledged them and encouraged them that the situation was under control, and they went back to staring mutely at the Alter. By this time, another hymn was playing, drowning out the sound of my protest in the back, which began to seem more and more futile.

The priest nearest to me continued, “If we have to, we will inform the authorities although I believe we can resolve this without them. Now if you will kindly collect your things…”

“This is insane!” I almost shouted, but what else could I do? They weren’t going to let me stay. All at once I felt the rejection hit me like a freight train. I grabbed my jacket and stormed passed the two men swearing under my breath like a schizoid, then the tears came, and I ran.

Running out the door into the downpour of hurt feelings and loneliness, the cold of the outside world greeted me with a slap in the face. Now it was snowing, yet I kept running. I sprinted away from St. Catherine’s phony chapel as fast as my sore limbs would carry me. I kept running until the houses became nothing but sad warehouses all in rank and file. This was the Industrial District. The gloomy alley’s beckoned to me “hey come this way” “no miho, come this way yes,” “you’ll be safe here, yes you will.” Their sinister paths opened up and attempted to swallow me whole, I’d never been here before. I wanted to keep running but had to stop, my lungs were about to explode. My hands were about to freeze off, and my feet were about ready to fall off. I was shivering so violently that I could barely stand, I had to find somewhere to stay, fast.

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